Note: This first appeared on the now-defunct comedy website, Nearly Robots in 2012.
How to keep things fiery in a chilled-out long-term relationship!
Writer’s Note: A few of these relationship tips were taken verbatim from a real Cosmopolitan magazine. Guess which ones! Answers at the bottom of the page.
- Compromise on TV shows. If he wants to watch the big game, try to get into it, even if you don’t know which teams are being played is or what sport is being played. The latest episode of The Biggest Loser can wait.
- Make sure to laugh at his jokes, even if you don’t get them. Don’t worry, you can just Google it later!
- Have sex during your period. Remember when you were so horny, you just didn’t give a shiz?
- Always keep the bush groomed and in tip-top shape.
- Find out which one of your friends he finds the hottest and let him call out her name during sex. This shows him that you’re laid-back and confident.
- Don’t overlook the little things like your eyelashes or cuticles. Nothing sends a guy running the other way like clumpy lashes and ragged nailbeds! If you tend to sleep in your mascara, avoid that early morning racoon eye by using a magic fibre mascara. We love FruityBooty Magic Lashtastic™ and Splooge Ultralash™.
- Wear cute lounge clothes on Sundays. C’mon, yoga pants are just as comfy as sweats…and they won’t shrink his boner!
- Talk him up—about his job, his music, his gun show—to anyone you meet.
- When you’re out together just running errands, wear a low-cut shirt to remind him of what’s coming later!
- Withhold most of your girl drama from him. Someone is not interested in the fact that Jill had the audacity to wear a cream-coloured dress to Jen’s wedding! Similarly, see the Twilight movies with your friends and not him. Refrain from discussing why you’re soooo Team Edward after.
Real Cosmopolitan Magazine Tips: 1, 3, 4, 7, 8, 10. Thanks, Cosmo, for assuming that I don’t understand sports, love Twilight and The Biggest Loser, refer to muscles as “guns shows,” and am primarily concerned, on a Sunday no less, with the increasing and decreasing of boners.