10 Cosmo Sex Tips

Note: This first appeared on the now-defunct comedy website, Nearly Robots in 2012.

Writer’s Note: A few of these sex tips were taken verbatim from a real Cosmopolitan magazine. Guess which ones! Answers at the bottom of the page.

  1. Simulate that risqué back-row-of-the-movie-theatre vibe at home by filling your mouth with a mixture of popcorn, jujubes, junior mints, and Pepsi before a sexy, surprise blowjob! Talk about a star-studded evening! And…Action!
  1. Neat Trick: After sex, rip off the elasticized ring of the condom and use it as a hair tie! His jaw will drop when he catches a glimpse of that naughty reminder from last night!
  1. Fun New Position: While on top, angle your hips at a 45 degree angle, clench your lower back. and thrust with your knees. This position directly engages your hymen’s mundle and provides some extra stimulation to the most sensitive part of your gerbum. Next train to O-town, all aboard, toot toot!
  1. Taking something that’s totally random and using it in a dirty way speaks volumes about your skill level. Sip a little alka seltzer, then go down on him so the bubbles fizz against his penis, creating a new and erotic sensation. Have him pour a little over your nipples and you’ll get to experience the same out of this world pleasure!
  1. Does he like hip hop? Throw on your old Missy Elliott CD, bust out your shiniest bling, try some breakdance-inspired positions, and “work it!”
  1. Be “the other woman.” Transforming your sexual personality amplifies the excitement for both of you. Think up a name for your alter ego. Pick something flirty or seductive—like Vixen or Dominique. Walk into the bedroom and tell your guy that he’s sleeping with someone different tonight!
  1. Drag out his old skateboard from when he was a teenager. This shows that you look at everything with an erotic eye. Throw a towel on the skateboard and tell him to lie down on it. Sit on top of him, but rather than moving up and down, use your feet to roll your bodies back and forth. It’s slower-paced sex, which will give it a sensual and leisurely feel.
  1. Who says you can’t play with your food? Get naughty with dinner and dessert by taking a McCain’s Deep’n Delicious ™ or Triple Chill ™ chocolate cake and letting him eat it off of you. For the real dare devils, go for McCain’s Crinkle Cut ™ fries instead. Watch out for those ridges!
  1. Take one day each week where you barrage him at work with phone sex, sexts, and scandalous picture messages. It will be a sensory overload that he won’t soon forget and just think of how jealous his buddies at work will be!
  1. Oral Tip: Place your forefinger at the base of his penis and your thumb on the underside of the shaft. Then, without applying too much pressure, gently bite his dick off.

Real Cosmopolitan Magazine Tips: 4, 6, and 7. Cosmo wants you to spit alka seltzer all over your boyfriend while he lies on a skateboard and fearfully refers to you as “Vixen?” for the rest of the night. Do I hear wedding bells??